5. A can of beans, by itself. (Apparently this is “not a meal.”)

4. Anything sold in a cylindrical plastic wrapping from the bodega on the other side of 5th Avenue North. (We call the bodega on the other side of 5th Avenue North “CreepyMart.”)

3. Anything pickled that isn’t a pickle or a green bean.

2. Anything between 4:30 p.m. and dinnertime. (“[irritated sigh].”)

1. Vienna sausages.

I know a lot of these aren’t exactly hot off the presses, but so what? Good books are like good albums. Have you heard every Stones record? Yeah, I thought not.

1. Crooked Little Vein, Warren Ellis. Can’t remember if I actually read this last year or the year before, but it really doesn’t matter; Ellis’ utterly original blend of classic noir tropes, black humor and imaginative details was the most entertaining and satisfying thing I’d picked up in at least a couple of years.

2. Shutter Island, Dennis Lehane. I got around to reading most of Lehane’s body of work this year, and it’s all amazing, but this one’s my favorite. The writer steps away from Patrick Kenzie’s violent cases and troubled psyche for a mind-bending thriller that borders on horror and provides a genuinely surprising twist.

3. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, Michael Chabon. Can’t decide between this or The Yiddish Policemen’s Union for my favorite Chabon, but they’re both so good it’s sick. Chabon conducts the English language like a maestro.

4. Please Step Back, Ben Greenman. The best rock ‘n’ roll novel ever written? Probably.

5. The Lost City of Z, David Grann. A wonderful and highly informative look back at the early years of Amazonian exploration centered on legendary adventurer Percy Fawcett’s search for what might or not have been El Dorado.

6. Sacred, Dennis Lehane.

7. Prayers for Rain, Dennis Lehane.

8. A Drink Before The War, Dennis Lehane.

9. Darkness, Take My Hand, Dennis Lehane.

10. Pirate Latitudes, Michael Crichton. Definitely not my favorite Crichton, and I don’t think it was finished, but it did provide an entertaining adventure yarn.

I also got turned on to a great writer named Kelly Link via her blazingly original short stories “Catskin” and “Monster,” and was pleased enough by the intriguing ideas behind Virginia Baker’s Jack Knife to want to check out some more of her work.

It’s A Nice Place To Visit, But I Wouldn’t Want To Die There

Vixen School Confidential

A Bullet For Your Thoughts

Night Of The Scorner

Gunpoint, Alaska

In For A Penny, Into The Ground

Song Of The Blunt Instrumentalist

Dark Was The Night, Particularly The Part Of It Where And When He Hacked Them To Pieces

(Apologies if any of these are actual old-school pulps … hey, it could happen.)

Not my opinion. Fact. The Best. THE BEST. You can’t argue with science:

1. Haute Tension, 2003

This is why you shouldn’t repress your feelings.

2. Pan’s Labyrinth, 2006

Somebody said Guillermo Del Toro’s gorgeous, heartbreaking tale of cold realities, and the lengths an imaginative young girl goes to in order to escape them, isn’t a horror film. Somebody is thinking way too literally.

3. Let The Right One In, 2008

Have you met ANYONE yet who’s seen it, and wasn’t completely floored? Apparently, there’s an American remake in the works. Obviously, it’s going to suck donkey bladder.

4. Otis, 2008

Horror-comedy actually done right, which is to say with a mix of wit both super-broad and bone dry.

5. The Descent, 2005

Yeah, they should’ve gone with Marshall’s clearer downer ending, but still, the tension and the fight scenes are aces.

6. The Ring, 2002

The ONLY PG-13 horror film worth a damn so far. (I haven’t seen Drag Me to Hell yet. Fingees crossed.)

7. Dark Water (Honoguarai mizu no soko kara), 2002

The remake, featuring Jennifer Connelly, John C. Reilly, Tim Roth and Pete “Kobayashi” Postlethwaite, isn’t bad, but it can’t touch the climax of the original.

8. Slither, 2006

Another example of how deft writing, acting and direction can produce something that rides the line between horror and comedy, and not come off as obvious, self-conscious suckage.

9. The Orphanage, 2007

Producer Del Toro’s influential fingerprints are all over director Juan Antonio Bayona’s heart-wrencher, and that’s totally fine.

10. Coraline, 2009

Not a horror movie? What? Sure it is – it’s a horror movie for kids. Some of the best fairy tales are. Unnerving and absolutely stunning.

Looking forward to Pontypool and Raimi’s Return more than anything else right now.

1. “Radio,” Alkaline Trio

2. “Mr. November,” The National

3. “Love Removal Machine,” The Cult

4. Anything by The Deadly Fists of Kung Fu

5. “Waiting Room,” Fugazi

6. “I Got Drunk,” Uncle Tupelo

7. “One-Armed Scissor,” At The Drive-In

8. “Gimme Back My Dog,” Slobberbone

9. “Anodyne,” Military Junior

10. “Gun,” Soundgarden